Hytan
by Tachyon II
Summary: It has been over a year since Janeway's death. Chakotay, who has left Starfleet behind him, ends up on Starbase 712 where he meets a woman named Hytan. This story takes place after the events described in FULL CIRCLE By K. Beyer. PDF version @ my website.
1. Chapter 1

Chakotay shook his head again. The problem was obvious – Alpha Flyer's power transformer had broken down for the final time and without a new one he was unable to get back in space. The dim and quiet shuttle bay he was currently in was the final stop on his journey – journey which had had no direction or purpose.

"I knew you were a piece of shit", Chakotay muttered while glaring the rough exterior of his ship, "but I thought I had at least couple of more months until it would come down to this."

Chakotay didn't know if he should have laughed or kicked the already dented hull. The situation was almost laughable. After floating in space over three hours he was finally among the living again, but for what reason? Alpha Flyer was nothing more than piece of useless junk now and without it he was chained in one place and one place only. So he perhaps it had been better if he had stayed in space until the life-support had went down for the last time. Hell, that had been his plan, hadn't it? He hadn't set up distress signal to alert nearby vessels. He had just been there – first trying to figure out what the problem was and then just simply staring the starts with the picture of Kathryn in his hand. It would have been a fitting ending for him.

Suddenly Chakotay startled as he heard a voice behind him.

"Is it damaged beyond repair?"

Chakotay turned around and saw someone standing in the shadows approximately five meters away. The person, little shorter than him, was wore dark garments and leaned on a walking stick of some kind.

"I didn't mean to frighten you."

"It's alright", Chakotay finally said. "I just didn't expect anyone being here except me."

"Is it always this quiet here?"

"I wouldn't know", Chakotay said. "I was just towed here less than hour ago by a Federation science vessel."

"I see", the stranger with extremely hoarse voice said. "So what seems to be the problem?"

"Power transformer", Chakotay told. "So unless I cannot find a new one on this station, this old bird won't fly again. And since this station is here because of the Schiaparelli cluster, I don't expect the science staff having extra power transformers in store for random vessels in distress. So I am stuck on this station until next science or cargo vessel docks here."

"Are you in a hurry?"

A faint smile rose on Chakotay's lips. In hurry? Hardly. Since his resignation from Starfleet, he had had all the time of the world. He had left from Earth, flown across the quadrant without anyone to accompany him. He had visited his sister, but despite of his best efforts, he had not found peace with her either. It had already been over a year since Kathryn's death and he was still without direction. There was no purpose in his life, no passion. Instead he had been consumed by anger, frustration and pain, and he still was. All that had kept him somewhat sane was the sight of streak of stars as he had passed them by on a warp speed with a picture of Kathryn on his console.

"No, I am in no hurry", Chakotay finally said. "You? Are you a scientist here?"

"I am a guest", was the answer", but I do love science and exploration."

"Then you must be in the right place", Chakotay said.

"What about you? Do you trade or do you explore?"

"Neither", Chakotay said and slammed the main hatch close. "But I used to explore."

"Used to?"

"I'm no longer in the business of exploration", he told as he threw his bag on his left shoulder and started to walk towards the shuttle bay doors.

"Why?"

"I have already seen all there is to see", Chakotay told. "And once you lose your heart and your passion, there is no more exploring either."

"I am sorry to hear that."

Chakotay didn't answer. He didn't want to be rude, but he was tired and having a conversation with a stranger in a quiet and dim shuttle bay didn't interest him much either. But before Chakotay reached the shuttle bay doors, he finally realized something. He stopped and turned around. His mysterious companion, whose face he had not seen yet, had followed him closely behind.

"I didn't hear your name", Chakotay said then.

"And I didn't hear yours."

"Chakotay", Chakotay said then.

"Hytan", the stranger said. "Or at least I believe it is my name. It sounds familiar."

"Hytan", Chakotay repeated. "And you are a guest here on Starbase 712?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"They found me", Hytan told.

"Found you?"

Hytan stepped closer and finally Chakotay saw him wearing a large hood, which covered his head and face.

"I have been very ill", Hytan told.

"I am sorry to hear that."

"I am feeling better", Hytan told. "It is a slow process, but process nonetheless."

"Are the scientists on this station helping you?"

"They are", Hytan told. "The sickbay here has everything one can imagine. The people here have been most kind. Without them I would have not lived."

"How long have you been here?"

"Months", Hytan said. "I cannot even remember how many months exactly, but it has been months."

"Where are you from?" Chakotay asked then since he was unable to determine Hytan's species.

Hytan didn't answer.

Suddenly a strange sensation swept over Chakotay. It was unexpected and surprisingly powerful. Chakotay couldn't exactly give it a name, or pinpoint its origin, but there was something about Hytan that had made him sense something rather unusual.

"Why do you require medical treatment?" Chakotay asked then.

"Severe space exposure", Hytan told quietly.

"For how long?"

"Long enough", was the answer. "Long enough to damage my physiology in a severe manner."

"Will you be able to fully recover?"

"No one knows."

"How did you end up in space?"

"Explosion", Hytan told. "That is all I can remember. Or maybe that is just a dream, a nightmare, but that is all I have left to believe in. And in my mind there is also a sight of some kind of vortex where green and blue rays of light intermingle. Then – nothing."

"Do you know who you are?" Chakotay ask.

"Maybe", Hytan told. "Sometimes I think I know who I am, but sometimes I come to realize it has to be a dream I've created to give this some meaning."

"Sometimes there is no meaning", Chakotay told and the look in his eyes darkened.

"Isn't there always some reason for all that happens?" Hytan asked.

"I don't know", Chakotay said. "It is a nice thought, but maybe it is just something we keep telling ourselves when there's nothing else left to hold on to."

"You mean when there is no hope?"

"I'm sure you have hope Hytan", Chakotay said. "But perhaps everyone loses their hope at one point of time."

"Have you lost your hope Chakotay?"

Chakotay took a moment until answered. "Sometimes you just have to accept that there are things in this universe that happen without a reason, no matter how hard you have believed otherwise."

"It sounds like you have lost your hope."

"I have lost everything except my freedom", Chakotay told. "But freedom is worth nothing without a meaning."

"Perhaps there is a meaning, but you have not realized it yet", Hytan suggested.

"That is a very optimistic from you", Chakotay said. "And you need it Hytan, if you want to get better. You still have hope."

Hytan didn't answer. Chakotay looked him for a moment, until nodded and turned around to leave.

"In the middle of the journey of our life I found myself astray in a dark wood where the straight road had been lost", Hytan said then.

Chakotay stopped and turned around. "What did you say?" he asked.

"Why?"

"Just say it one more time."

"In the middle of the journey of our life", Hytan began, "I found myself astray in a dark wood where the straight road had been lost."

"Dante Alighieri", Chakotay said. "You are familiar with Earth's literature?"

Hytan did not reply.

"Are you human?" Chakotay asked and took a step closer.

"That phrase means something to you?" Hytan asked.

"It does", Chakotay said. "And not just because I am human."

"What do you mean?"

Chakotay stared Hytan for a moment, until sighed and shook his head. "Never mind", he said then and rubbed his right template. Sleep deprivation was starting to get over him. "I need rest. So I have to go and see if I can get any quarters on this station. That or I have to sleep in my ship or what's left of it."

Hytan did not say anything. He simply stood still his fade hidden behind the large hood.

"It was nice to meet you Hytan", Chakotay said. "Good night."

Then he turned around and stepped out of the shuttle bay.

But as he walked on the empty corridor, finding someone to ask about the free quarters, he couldn't help but revise the encounter in the shuttle bay. Something was off. He was confused, uneasy even. He had met many strangers during the months he had spent flying around the quadrant, but no one he had spent time with had managed to get him this perplexed. What was it about Hytan that had made him feel so strange now? Did he feel sorry about him? Was this pity he was feeling now, or was this only a trick his tired mind had produced?

"Forget him", Chakotay whispered to himself. "Forget him and get some rest. There is nothing you can do for him. Nothing."

But suddenly Chakotay froze in the middle of the corridor once he finally realized the reason for his current confusion. Hytan was different than other strangers he had met lately, because there was something very familiar in him. Maybe it was his choice of words, of maybe the way he had spoken. But the truth was that Hytan was the first person who had brought Kathryn closer to him somehow. This total stranger on a random Starbase near an uninteresting cluster that Federation wanted for some reason to explore had reminded him about Kathryn in the most eeriest way.

Chakotay stopped, dropped his bag on the corridor floor and took a crumpled picture from his pocket. And there she was again – his love.

Chakotay closed his eyes and forced the pain in his heart to silence. No matter how deep his wound still was, there was no room for pain anymore. He had understood that, he had accepted that, so there was nothing more to discover or to learn about it.

But she was still with him. She was still beside him everyday. And he still refused to let her go. Starting over without a reason was simply something I could not do.


	2. Chapter 2

The talk with station's commander had been very much like Chakotay had expected – he was stuck here on Starbase 712 until the next Federation ship would arrive in three weeks time. Chakotay find his situation irritating to say the least, but there was nothing he was able to do to speed up the process of his departure. So here he was, on Federation starbase, with nothing to do. It was not easy for him to adjust on something like this. Since he had left Earth, he had been on the run. He had run from his past, from Kathryn's death, from his pain, but paradoxically Kathryn's absence had only felt more real on each day he had spent alone on Alpha Flyer. He was meant to travel between the stars with Kathryn, but life, fate and universe had decided otherwise.

Chakotay sighed. He was tired, but despite of his exhaustion, he had not slept well last night. His encounter with Hytan had kept him awake. Chakotay was not sure why he had given him so much of thought, but Hytan had touched him in some strange way. For the first time in a long time he had actually thought someone else than Kathryn, or something else than his own pain.

Chakotay activated the panel on the corridor wall. He searched the infirmary of the station, which he located from deck 3. Chakotay entered the nearest turbo lift, voiced his command, and once the doors slid open on deck 3, he headed to the direction he expected the infirmary to be. In few minutes he finally reached the grey doors with caduceus emblems on them.

The doors slid open and Chakotay entered a big and brightly illuminated room with extensive medical equipment and personnel. It was nothing he had expected. Perhaps he still imagined every infirmary in Alpha Quadrant being like their sickbay on Voyager, even though starbases had always had significantly more space and recourses than there had ever been on Voyager during its seven-year run through the Delta Quadrant. But on the other hand he was on scientific station with limited personnel, so it seemed rather strange that a station like this had so extensive medical facilities.

"Can I help you?" Chakotay heard all of the sudden as a man in science uniform had approached him.

Chakotay thought for a moment what to say. He was here because of Hytan, for, but he didn't feel comfortable admitting that.

"I arrived last night", Chakotay said instead. "I have been in space for months in a row now and to be honest, I don't feel all that sharp."

"Take a seat on bio-bed nine please", the man advised.

Chakotay nodded and took a seat. While the man, presumably a doctor, took a scan on him, Chakotay observed the room.

"You have quite impressive medical facilities here", Chakotay said then.

"We do", doctor admitted. "When Federation built the station here, no one was certain how the unusual radiation emanating from the cluster would affect on humanoid physiology and tissue, so they decided to play it safe."

"Really?"

"Treating station personnel is not, however, all we do here", doctor told as he took reading from Chakotay's head. "We are carrying out a long-term experiment of the radiation effects on various humanoid tissues, Federation species and beyond. So because of the cluster, there is plenty of medical research to be conducted."

"I'm sure there is", Chakotay said.

"I don't find anything wrong with you physically", doctor said then. "So I recommend rest. Long-term space travelling can wear us all out, so I suggest you have a good meal and plenty of sleep."

"Sleep, huh? Well, it seems that I have plenty of time doing that now", Chakotay sighed.

"How so?"

"My ship is damaged and I am unable to leave."

"Well, it sounds to me like you just booked yourself a little vacation. Welcome to the Starbase 712."

"Thanks. This isn't exactly Risa, is it?"

"No it isn't", doctor replied, "so unlike Risa and its various distractions, you might actually get some rest while being here. And your name is?" doctor asked then.

"Why do you ask?"

"I need to put this check-up on file like every other."

"It's Chakotay", Chakotay sighed.

"Chakotay", doctor repeated as he walked to his computer. Then he suddenly stopped, turned around and watched his unexpected patient again. "As Chakotay from the Starship Voyager?"

"One and the same", Chakotay said.

"Sir, if I had known you…"

"You can drop the sir", Chakotay cut in. "I am no longer serving."

"Oh?"

"That's all", Chakotay said and jumped down from the bio-bed. "Now - who is that other patient over there?" he asked then and pointed to the right end of the infirmary.

Doctor turned his face to the direction Chakotay had pointed until said: "That would be one of the most intriguing cases of space exposure I have ever encountered."

"So that is Hytan over there?" Chakotay asked.

"You have met her?"

"Her?" Chakotay asked. "She is a female?"

"Through and through", doctor said as he switched off his tricorder once the data of Chakotay's scans had been uploaded to the main computer.

"I met… _her_ last night in the shuttle bay", Chakotay told. "But she was hiding underneath her garments so I couldn't tell who she was or what species."

"She is human."

"Human?" Chakotay asked.

"DNA doesn't know how to lie", doctor pointed out, "she is a human female, or what is left of it. Her physical appearance doesn't really resemble human anymore, but inside she is just like us."

"Sounds very serious."

"Hytan is one of the most severe cases of space exposure I have ever seen or read about. I have no exact information how long she was exposed to the vacuum of space, but I can say for a fact that it is a miracle that she is alive today."

"And you haven't been able to id her?"

"She doesn't match any missing person on file", doctor said. "But some human colonies are not so precise with their DNA records, as we all know."

"How did you find her?" Chakotay asked.

"We didn't", doctor revealed. "A lone Ferengi vessel brought her here."

"Ferengi?" Chakotay asked surprised.

"According to them and their logs, they encountered a spatial rift or vortex of some kind about 13 light-years away from here. When their sensors picked up some kind of electric signals from the debris, which had according to them just appeared on their path, they decided to take a look to see if there was anything profitable to harvest. But little did they know that once transporting the pieces of debris onboard, they would also get barely living humanoid body with it. And since corpses are bad to business, they sent a general hail and this station answered to it."

"Did your sensors detect the rift or vortex they were talking about?"

"Yes, but since the phenomenon was sudden and majority of our sensors were pointing to Sciaparelli cluster, nothing conclusive about the phenomenon was recorded to our computer. However, something did happen there, so the Ferengi did tell us the truth about it. Therefore we have no reason to suspect that Hytan has been victimized or abused by them. And Hytan herself doesn't have any memories of the Ferengi at all. She didn't even remember such species until we showed her a holo-image of them."

"What kind of debris was there?" Chakotay asked.

"I wouldn't know", doctor told. "And the Ferengi weren't too keen to let our people to check the debris either. They claimed that majority of it was useless anyway and that they dumped the junk back in the space. There were, however, traces of some kind of technology on Hytan's body, but that is understandable because of the circumstances."

"Hmm."

"For two months we were expecting her to die. But she is a fighter. And here she is – still alive."

"That is almost unbelievable", Chakotay admitted.

"So have said all of the doctors who have come here during the last year to see her progress and assist in the treatment. She has become somewhat a hot topic in certain medical forums. I have personally written already three papers about her case. There have been many drawbacks, but we have been quite innovative with our treatments and she is slowly recovering."

"Will she be able to fully recover?" Chakotay asked.

"No one knows", doctor said. "But she is alive."

"That she is", Chakotay acknowledged.

"It is almost a miracle of modern medicine", doctor said and Chakotay couldn't miss the pride in the man's voice.

"Can I meet her?" Chakotay asked then.

"I don't think that is a good idea", doctor said. "The regenerative treatment she is given at the moment requires her to be still, so we don't need any interruptions. Not to mention that the treatment wears her out."

"I understand", Chakotay said.

"The treatment cycle will be over in four hours. Perhaps you should rest and see her once you feel better yourself."

Chakotay nodded. "Good day doctor", he said then until go back on his feet and left.

* * *

It was 2100 hours until Chakotay finally entered station's infirmary again. He had intended to come sooner, but against all odds he had fallen asleep, just like doctor had ordered. Once inside the infirmary, he observed the room being significantly quieter than during the day. There were only handful of medical personnel around, from which majority were sitting behind their computers and consoles further away. So no one was paying any attention to him, or to the figure on one of the bio-beds in the right end of the room.

Chakotay hesitated for a moment. Perhaps Hytan wanted to be left alone after being rounded by the legion of doctors during the day. But there was a possibility that she could use a company as well, and since he had come all the way to the infirmary again… Chakotay sighed. He wondered why he had developed such an interest towards Hytan. But his… _her_ story was so unusual and so unique, and all he had said to her last night about losing hope and direction suddenly felt like old clichés. During the sleepless night in his small quarters Chakotay had come to conclusion that he was seeing side of himself via Hytan. He was the one alive, but almost dead inside, whereas Hytan was almost dead, but her spirit still very much alive. So there was a bond between him and Hytan, a bond he had not expected to find. But somehow it was there whether Hytan even realized it herself or not.

Hytan seemed so alone in the quietness of the infirmary. Finally Chakotay approached her and as he got closer he suddenly started to see all the damage there was on Hytan's head, shoulders and arms. Doctor he had met earlier had not exaggerated. Hytan, who sat her back against Chakotay, had no hair left on her head. The skin on her skull was full of scar tissue and her left arm looked almost deformed. It must have been broken on multiple places. Chakotay couldn't help but to feel pity for this woman. He had no doubt in his mind that she was a fighter. She had to be. And so the pity in Chakotay's heart was quickly intertwined with sensations of deep respect.

"Hytan?" Chakotay asked.

Hytan visibly startled to the sudden voice behind her. She took a quick glance over her shoulder and for a moment Chakotay could see glimpse of her face. There was no trace of nose on her face, only two nostrils above what used to be her mouth. Her eyes were still red and broken capillaries filled the skin of her face. Hytan clearly wanted to hide.

"Don't look at me", she whispered as she quickly pulled a sheet over her head.

Chakotay didn't know what to say, but he wanted to apologize. He had embarrassed her and that had not been his intention.

"I'm sorry, but I don't want you to see me", Hytan said.

"I apologize."

"Isn't it interesting how vanity can survive after an experience like this?"

"I wouldn't call it vanity", Chakotay said.

"I would", Hytan told. "Even though I cannot remember when exactly I started to care about my looks again. When was the exact moment when I decided that I was far enough from death to start caring about something as superficial as my reflection? Funny, isn't it? Or perhaps it is you. The doctors here already know what I am, but you don't."

"What you are?" Chakotay asked. "You are human Hytan."

"Barely", she said quietly. "But self-pity is not a luxury that I have."

"We have our own insecurities", Chakotay said as he took a seat on Hytan's bio-bed, placing his back against hers. "Feeling like that makes us human."

"Maybe", Hytan replied.

"How are you feeling?" Chakotay asked then.

"A little weak", Hytan confessed. "It has been a demanding day today. But why are you here?"

"I wanted to see you", Chakotay told.

"I am surprised", Hytan said. "But positively, I might add."

"I must have given you very grim impression of myself last night."

"Angry would be more precise word to describe it", Hytan told.

"Angry?"

"Yes. I saw anger in you the most and I don't mean just because of you ship. And how about your ship?" Hytan asked then.

"It won't fly. I'm stuck here for the next few weeks until the next Federation vessel arrives."

"What about then?"

"I leave", Chakotay said.

"Where?"

"I don't know", Chakotay told. "What about you?"

"I will be here" Hytan said. "I might be here for the rest of my life."

"But you have already made a good progress", Chakotay said. "Surely you must be getting better and someday you should be able to leave."

"Maybe", Hytan said. "But unfortunately a part of the regenerated tissue on my body keeps doesn't respond well to the treatments and they have to treat same problems areas again and again. So even though there has been significant progress, I still might be here until the day I die. But at least I have enough strength now to go exploring the station every once in awhile."

Chakotay didn't know what to say so both of them just sat there for a moment in silence.

"It is strange" Hytan said then.

"What is?"

"This moment", Hytan told.

"What about this moment?" Chakotay asked, even though he had sensed something in the air as well.

"I feel like this has happened to me before."

Chakotay took a deep breath. He had felt it too. For some reason talking with Hytan felt like talking to old friend. Something about this woman was taking the invisible walls around him down and he felt like he could trust her, even though he had just met her yesterday. He had never thought he could find himself in a situation like this with a stranger, yet here he was and he felt the faint bond between them getting suddenly significantly stronger.

Suddenly one of the doctors stormed in.

"Who are you and what are you doing here?" a man in her fifties demanded to know.

"I came to see Ms. Hytan", Chakotay told.

"She can't have any visitors, she needs rest", doctor snapped. "So please leave."

Chakotay was confused, but he didn't want to argue with the man when Hytan was around. "Alright", he said instead. "I will talk to you later Hytan."

Hytan who was still covering herself with the sheets, turned her head towards him and nodded.

"What was your name again?" she asked then. "Chakotay was it?"

Chakotay nodded.

"Perhaps we will talk later Chakotay", Hytan said then.

Chakotay nodded until turned around and left.


	3. Chapter 3

Chakotay sat on the floor in an empty room on deck 14. The room had large windows and once all the lights were down, the billions of stars in the dark emptiness of space made a view all artists in all known worlds could not ever duplicate.

Chakotay had been on Starbase 712 for almost a week now. Three days ago he had found this unoccupied room by chance, and once he had been sure it was indeed unused, he had came here to be with the one he still wished was with him – Kathryn.

Chakotay took another look on the picture in his hands. Sorrow reflected from his dark eyes.

"Hi there", he whispered. "I've missed you."

And he had. Not a day had gone by without him thinking about her or reliving their last moments together in his most private thoughts. He was still able to remember the scent of her skin just by closing his eyes. He remembered every inch on her face, every curve on her body. He constantly thought about the night on Proxima Station where the two of them had finally faced the unnamed, which had been lingering between them for so long. That memory alone had kept Chakotay going for a long time now.

"Chakotay?" he suddenly heard behind his back.

Chakotay looked over his shoulder. "Hytan", he said once realizing who was standing in the doorway.

"Can I come in?"

"Of course", Chakotay said and got up on his feet. "How did you find here?"

"I asked the computer where you were", Hytan confessed.

"Ah", Chakotay noted and touched his combadge the station commander had requested him to wear.

"And since I felt strong tonight", Hytan continued, "I decided to take a little walk."

"It not a little walk from infirmary to here", Chakotay said as he took her hand.

"Well, I didn't have anything better to do", Hytan said then. "Staring infirmary's ceiling gets a little boring after couple of days."

Chakotay helped her to sit down on the floor. It was not an easy task for Hytan who was still in much pain everyday. But with Chakotay's assistance she finally found a comfortable position on the floor.

"What are you doing here?" Hytan asked once Chakotay took his place next to her.

"I come here to look at the stars."

"Surely you could see them from your quarters as well."

"I could, but I like the emptiness of this room."

"I see."

"What about you? How are you feeling?" Chakotay asked.

"Alright I guess. I had a day off from the regenerative treatment today so I feel quite strong."

"I'm glad to hear that."

They sat there for a while in complete silence. Chakotay didn't mind it, though. Silences with Hytan had never been awkward.

"How are you?" Hytan asked then.

"I'm good", Chakotay told. "A little bored since I have only little to do here. Everyone around here seem to be busy with their research so extra pair of hands has only little to do. I could always try some waste extracting, but I'm not that bored yet."

"You can always read something", Hytan suggested.

"I have already read three books", Chakotay said. "And one of them was Vulcan."

"You're not holding a book in your hand now" Hytan said then.

It was only then when Chakotay realized he was still holding picture of Kathryn in his hands. "Oh this", Chakotay said.

"Who is it?"

Chakotay took another look at Kathryn's face and sighed. "Her name was Kathryn", he told then. "And I loved her very much."

"Oh… What happened, if you don't mind me asking?"

"She died."

"I'm sorry. Were you two…?"

"Lovers? Almost. But she was so much more than that to me. She was… my all. And losing her… was simply unacceptable."

"Was or is?" Hytan asked.

"You got me there", Chakotay said and smiled. It felt good to smile again. He had not smiled a lot lately. The last time he had smiled had been… with Hytan.

"And what do you see now when you look that picture?" Hytan asked then.

"It's not what I see", Chakotay told, "it's what I feel. I love her so much, Hytan. I still do. I cannot stop it just because she is gone."

"Love is not rational or logical", Hytan reminded.

"True", Chakotay said and looked the stars again. After a brief silence he finally confessed: "I miss her so much. When I look this picture it hurts me. And I don't mean metaphorically. Seeing her face hurts me. That is how much I miss her. I was always ready to die for her, but I never imagined that I should continue on my own. But here I am."

Hytan placed her right hand on his knee. Her touch returned Chakotay back from his thoughts to the reality.

"What is it in you that makes me tell you all these things?" he asked then.

"What do you mean?" Hytan asked.

"I just met you a week ago and I already shared Kathryn with you", Chakotay explained. "I don't do that – open up to strangers."

"Maybe you feel like you have nothing to lose with me."

"No", Chakotay said. "That would mean that your thoughts would mean nothing to me."

Hytan didn't say anything. But something about her told Chakotay that there was an unspoken understanding between them that needed no words to be validated.

"Look", Chakotay began, "Week ago in the shuttle bay… I want you to understand that it had been a bad day for me."

"You don't have to explain."

"But I want to", Chakotay said. "It has been a long road after Kathryn's death, but I think I am actually moving on. I don't feel guilty anymore, if I forget her for few hours, and I have both understood and accepted that she is not here anymore. But there are good days and then there are bad days."

"I know."

"I guess in a situation like this it is almost too easy to second guess every move made back then. I've been in this endless circle of "what ifs" way too often. And I still do that in some days – second guess."

"Grief and anger will let go, if you only let them."

"I agree", Chakotay said. "What about you Hytan? Have you been angry?"

"Of course."

"And?"

"Sometimes I still am", Hytan told. "Sometimes I have bad days too. I might find myself asking myself again and again "why me". So instead of "what ifs", I can get trapped into this "why me" circle of mine."

"Have you been able to answer to that question?"

"Of course not", Hytan told. "Like you haven't been able to answer yours. But once all the possible explanations are ruled out, there is only one truth left to be accepted or ignored."

"It was meant to be", Chakotay said.

"It was meant to be."

"And everything happens for a reason", Chakotay added

"Even though you don't believe in that?"

"I actually want to believe in that", Chakotay told. "But there are days when I simply don't."

"Wouldn't it be easy just give up?" Hytan asked then.

"It would", Chakotay agreed. "If it was in my nature."

Hytan nodded. "It is not in my nature either. I came very close, though."

"You did?"

"The first time I became aware of myself and my surroundings", Hytan told. "When I realized where I was and how bad my situation had to be, _the thought_ crossed my mind."

"Did you ask the doctors to do it?"

"No", Hytan said. "I thought about it for days, though. But something inside of me simply refused to say those words. I just couldn't do it – ask them to end my life. It felt so contradictory against everything that is left of me. I don't know who I have been before this, but there are some instincts inside of us all that even situation like this cannot erase."

"That's true", Chakotay said. "And survival is the strongest of them all."

"I am not talking about survival only", Hytan told. "I mean that I had this strong feeling of not quitting, because it was not my way. But how can I know what is my way and what isn't, when I don't know who I really am? It has to be something that is "written" inside of us somehow."

"Must be", Chakotay said and looked at the picture in his hands again.

"You feel like she was written in you?" Hytan asked then.

"I do", Chakotay admitted. "There is no doubt in my mind that I wasn't meant to meet her in this lifetime. We were meant to share our time together, for that I am absolutely sure of. I just wished that our time had been longer. And I do regret some things left undone and words left unsaid, even though I gain nothing by doing so. "

"But something was left unfinished and therefore she is still with you here, in this empty room", Hytan said then.

"True", Chakotay admitted. "I don't think Kathryn would want me to dwell on the past the rest of my life, though. She would actually do almost anything to make me stop doing this to myself."

"She must have been very wise woman."

"She was", Chakotay said and smiled. "That she was. Wise, brave and extremely stubborn."

"Stubborn?"

"You better believe it", Chakotay laughed.

"But you were the one balancing her", Hytan guessed.

"What makes you say that?"

"Just a feeling", Hytan said. "You have this calmness in you when she is here. And she is here now in this room, don't you think?"

"She is", Chakotay said and look at Kathryn's blue eyes. "She's here."

"As long as you remember her, she will never be truly gone."

"I have always believed that too", Chakotay said. "Even if I may forget that belief sometimes. It is just very difficult to let her go. I don't want to let her go, even though I know I have to someday. She will always be part of me, but not this way."

"Give it time."

"I have tried to give this some meaning, but without success. I have sought answers in silence by isolating myself from the rest of the world. I have spoken to her on her memorial site. I have even tired to make sense of this all by getting lost between stars again; visiting worlds I have never been before. But I am still very much aware of her absence all the time. She is not just gone – she's away from me."

Hytan nodded. Chakotay looked the picture of Kathryn again, until finally put it in his pocket again. She wouldn't be away for long, he knew that, but for the time being he had to put her away. Then he sat next to Hytan and looked at the stars behind the large windows. As the station rotated, the first glimpse of Schiaparelli Cluster glided in their sight.

"I haven't seen that cluster before", Hytan said. "Even though I have been here for awhile now."

"It's quite remarkable", Chakotay said.

"You must have seen many other clusters as well."

"I have", Chakotay confessed. "But each one of them is unique. Just like those billions of stars out there too."

"Stars are beautiful."

Chakotay nodded in agreement.

"Though their beauty can also be disturbing", Hytan told.

"How so?"

"I keep seeing them in my nightmares", Hytan told then. "I must have seen that same dream countless of times already. There are even nights when I don't want to fall asleep at all, because I don't want to visit in that dream again."

Chakotay became curious: "What happens in it?" he asked.

Hytan took a deep breath. She was hesitating, that much Chakotay knew for certain. He didn't want to push her so he remained silent. If Hytan wanted to share her dream with him, she would do so. But if she wanted to keep it to herself, she knew he wouldn't mind that either.

"I am in the space", Hytan said then, "I am alone there or that is how it begins. Soon I see corpses around me. They just float there, in the vacuum of space. Maybe I am one of them, but somehow I am aware of them. I feel uncomfortable. The dead scare me. I want to get out, but I can't. I just float there as well, among them. Suddenly there are voices in my head. They scare me, because I know they are the voices of the dead around me. I want them to stop, but they keep whispering. Their whispers echo all around me, filling the silence of the space. I don't know what they are saying, but I know that they are angry and scared. I want to get out, because I don't want them to reach me. And then all those million of corpses suddenly move simultaneously and they all look at me. I scream. And that is usually the part when I wake up."

"That is quite a nightmare", Chakotay sighed. "Have you told anyone about these nightmares?"

"No."

"Maybe you should."

"I just told you. Now you know about it too."

"But I am not a counselor or a doctor."

"I have enough doctors already and what I have learnt is that they are interested about my physical recovery", Hytan told. "They observe me everyday; they notice the tiniest details of my body. But none of them notice me. No one has never really noticed me here. Until now."

Chakotay looked at Hytan. He was at loss of words.

"You notice me as a person", Hytan whispered, "not just as an opportunity."

"Opportunity?"

"To make your mark in medical history", Hytan said. "That is their number one priority. That is their passion. See this glove on my hand?"

"Yes."

"It's new. The doctors say that the fabric should regenerate my skin. They have been very excited about it lately, explaining me about it like I would be interested about its technical details. They assure me that this should work; they say that it has been experimented before."

"I think they are right", Chakotay said. "I know a person who used to wear a full-leght suit made of this material."

"Did he recover?"

"She did", Chakotay said. "But the process took some time."

"I'm pleased to hear that."

Chakotay took Hytan's hand and placed it on her own. He looked at it for awhile. It felt so light, fragile even.

"I know this", Hytan whispered.

"Know what?"

"Someone holding my hand", she told.

Chakotay nodded.

"Ohh…", Chakotay heard then.

"What is it?" he asked.

"There is this pricking ache between my eyes again."

Chakotay moved closer and touched the hood covering Hytan's face.

"Don't", Hytan asked once realizing his intentions.

"Hytan…"

"The pain will go away itself."

"Are you sure?"

"I am. Just leave like this. I still don't want you to look at me."

"Hytan…"

"I'm inhuman. And once you leave from this station, I want you to remember me like this – as I am not as I look."

"Alright", Chakotay said. "I will respect your wishes."

"Thank you."

Chakotay sighed and nodded. For a moment they just sat still in the quietness of the empty room while stars kept shining against the blackness of the universe. But in few minutes the silence was broken as muffled sobbing beneath the large hood filled the air between them. Chakotay didn't ask what had prompted such an emotion in Hytan, because it wasn't important. He simply reached out to her and took her in his arms while billions of stars continued illuminating otherwise so dark universe outside.


	4. Chapter 4

"_Chakotay_?" someone called. "_Chakotay, are you there_?"

Chakotay opened his eyes and reached to his combadge, which was on the small nightstand beside his bed.

"I'm here", he said once activating the comm link.

"_Is this real_?" he heard then.

"Hytan?"

"_Is this real or is this still a dream_?" Hytan wanted to know.

"This is real", Chakotay told. "I'm here. What's the matter?"

Silence.

"Do you want me to come over?" Chakotay asked.

"_No_", Hytan sighed.

"Are you sure?"

"_Just stay on your bed. I'm alright."_

"You don't sound alright, Hytan."

" _I just saw that nightmare again_."

"The one?"

"_Yes._ _Space, the dead corpses and the whispers. I'm just glad I'm awake; that it is over for now._"

"Are you sure you don't want me to come?"

"_I'm sure. I'm sorry to wake you_."

"It's alright", Chakotay said as he put his head on his pillow again.

"_It was different this time, though_."

"In what way?"

"_I finally heard what the dead said_", Hytan told.

"You did?"

"_Yes_."

"And what did they say?"

"_Just some nonsense_", Hytan told. "_It's not important_."

"But it could be something significant", Chakotay suggested.

"_It was just some gibberish my unconsciousness fabricated_", Hytan sighed. "_Maybe I am finally losing my mind_."

"You are not losing your mind", Chakotay assured.

Silence.

"_I'm tired._"

"Try to get some sleep."

"_I know I should. I have regenerative treatment tomorrow again."_

"So you need rest", Chakotay said.

_"I just don't want to fall asleep now. Not after this one_."

"That doesn't sound very good", Chakotay said.

"_It'll be alright in a moment._"

"What did the dead say Hytan?" Chakotay asked then.

Silence.

"Hytan?"

"_They said…_" Hytan sighed.

Chakotay waited her to continue. He heard Hytan moving on her bio-bed, seeking more comfortable postision.

"Hytan?" he asked again.

"_They said...", _Hytan finally continued. _"We are the Borg. Resistance is futile_."


	5. Chapter 5

Chakotay lay still on his bed and stared the ceiling. He was numb. Once the comm. link between him and Hytan was severed, all what had been reliable in the universe seemed to fallen into decay. Everything felt unreal now, almost like the visions he had once had when stuck in chaotic space. And that was the state of his soul now – chaotic space of his own was filling his heart and mind by every breath he took. All that he had taken for granted in his life made suddenly no sense at all. What had happened? Was this ever real or was he dreaming?

Chakotay tried to block the restless thoughts of his, but no matter how hard he tried to ignore them, they kept coming back to torment him. He didn't need them – they were the last thing in the universe he wanted to deal with. But all the little things had started to add up in the most peculiar way, and they drove him out of his mind. Why? Why was this happening to him? Why couldn't he forget already?

Perhaps was he getting paranoid? Maybe he was imagining this; seeing things that simply weren't there? Was he simply trying too hard to get the life back he had already left behind? Was he blinded by his pining?

"Why are you doing this to me, Kathryn?" he asked quietly while staring the ceiling. "Why are you doing this?"

But she didn't answer. She never did. She was dead, gone without any means to return. He knew that; he had known that over a year now. Kathryn wasn't in his life anymore as she used to, she was by his side only in spirit. But that had never been enough for him, hadn't it? Being apart from her had always left him incomplete. The void within him had never been filled and now when he missed her more than in a long time, it made him seeing things that weren't there.

But what if there was something here?

"Damn it", he sighed as he finally got up on his feet. "Computer – what's the time?"

"0445 hours", computer replied.

Chakotay paced back and forward. He didn't want to go to the infirmary, but Hytan drew him there like a moth to a flame. Why now, Chakotay wondered. His wounds were not healed yet. But uncertainty made him wound even deeper. He had to know. But would Hytan be able to tell him the truth? Chakotay doubted it. Hytan knew even less than him, otherwise she would have said something. There was no reason whatsoever for her to hide such things from him.

But if she couldn't provide him the answers he needed, who would?

Chakotay sighed. Pacing back and forth in his quarters didn't help; he just became more agitated by every minute. So he finally headed towards the door and left.

It took only few minutes for him to get to deck 3 and once Chakotay entered the infirmary, he found it almost empty. He walked to Hytan's bio-bed where he found her sleeping under a sliver cover. She was covered from the head to the toes again. She appeared to rest peacefully and that made Chakotay feel a little better. At least she had gotten rid of her nightmare, whereas Chakotay still lived his.

Chakotay left her and approached the office facilities of the infirmary. He found two young male medical officers sitting by their consoles.

"Morning", Chakotay said and his voice alerted the two men.

"Can we help you, sir?" the other one asked.

"Maybe", Chakotay told. "I want to ask you about Hytan."

"I'm sorry but we are not allowed to discuss about patients' medical conditions with anyone. Surely you must understand that."

"I do", Chakotay said", but I don't ask you to provide me any specific details. There is only one thing concerning her background that I need to know."

"Sir…"

"One thing", Chakotay repeated.

"We are not allowed…"

"Her background is not confidential matter, is it?"

"We do not discuss about our patients with anyone."

Chakotay heard the man, but he refused to let the matter go this easily. "When she arrived here, were there any technical devices, implants, in her body?" he asked then.

"Sir…"

"Were there technical implants you needed to remove?" Chakotay asked in a very demanding manner.

"Sir…"

"Answer me", Chakotay said, getting more impatient with the young man. "Answer me or I will ask her about it when she wakes up."

"Sir, perhaps you should get back to your quarters and get some rest…"

"Either you tell me or she will."

"Hytan does not remember anything…"

"So there were technical devices in her body?" Chakotay cut in.

"I didn't say that."

"I think you did."

"I most certainly did not."

"But you don't seem to deny it either."

"Sir…"

"Have you identified the type of the technology you discovered from her?"

"We have to ask you to leave", other man finally said as he got up on his feet.

"Has the technology been identified?"

"We are not experts of technological devices here. We are medical officers. So please sir, leave now before you get more agitated than you already are."

"Why won't you tell me?" Chakotay asked. "Why would you hide such a thing?"

"We are not hiding anything", man closer to him told. "The patient in question, Hytan, is resting on her bio-bed as we speak. Does it look like we are hiding something?"

"You are hiding information", Chakotay said and his irritation towards the men in Starfleet uniforms was very apparent by now. "Tell me about the technology you removed from her."

"Sir…"

"Has she even been told?"

"We are not allowed to discuss any issues that would violate doctor/patient confidence."

"You haven't told her, have you?" Chakotay said then and the two men got more nervous before his eyes. The air between them got thicker. "Why won't you tell her? Has she asked about it?"

"Hytan is not interested about the circumstances that brought her here."

"Oh, I think she is."

"Sir…"

"Don't you _fucking_ 'sir' me", Chakotay finally snapped. "Why haven't you told her about the technology you have removed from her body?"

"We have not…"

"So there have been technological implants in her?"

"That information is confidential, as is all the information concerning the patient. Now, if you will leave the infirmary now sir, before we call security."

"She has the right to know", Chakotay told. "You are not doing any favors for her by hiding something that is hers to know."

"Sir…"

"She has the right to know everything you know about her and you better remember that."

"Sir, I ask you one more time to leave before I call the security."

"Fine", Chakotay said then. "I'll leave. But I will tell her. Sooner or later, I will tell her."

"Sir - Hytan is in fragile state. She does not need any wild theories to make her live more miserable than it already is."

"She is stronger than you think", Chakotay told. "And that is what scares you, isn't it?"

"With all due respect – you are imagining things."

"I don't think so", Chakotay said calmly. "More I discuss this matter with you, more certain I become there is something going on in here. And the look in your eyes tells me that I am not the one who makes up stories from the thin air here. I am pretty sure some of you have already lied to her."

"Excuse me?"

"Hytan told me that her physical condition is preventing her to be removed from this station. She told me that the doctors had said that her body is not strong enough for space traveling. I got very suspicious when she told me that and I am very suspicious now. That is a lie, isn't it? She is strong enough physically to leave, but you don't want her to."

"Sir…"

"I will get the bottom of this", Chakotay said and glared the two men under his brows.

"She is in a fragile…"

"She can handle the truth", Chakotay told. "And the last time I checked, we are in Federation. She is a Federation citizen with rights."

"We do not know who she is", the young officer explained. "And her physical condition is our number one priority."

"You don't know the truth", the other man said then. "And frankly – it is none of your business either."

"Someone has to treat her as a person instead of a case study", Chakotay spat. "She is a human being – not some senseless object you can measure for your research."

"She gets all she needs here", the other man told. "She is taken care of."

"I'm sure she is", Chakotay agreed. "But she should be the only reason for all of this, not your own ambitions. She has the right to know about all of his options, not just the ones that you find preferable!"

"And you are out of line, sir. Please leave and do not come back. You are disturbing the research conducted here."

"If you won't leave now, we will call security", the other said. "This is the final warning."

Chakotay scowled the two officers one more time, until turned around and left. He fumed on every step he took. Something was wrong here; something about Hytan was more than met the eye. Everything looked right from the outside, but he sensed that there was so much more the doctors wanted to reveal to him, or to Hytan. If there was Borg technology involved in this, he understood the need of secrecy. But there was also a woman involved who didn't need to be dragged into some political turmoil or who shouldn't have settled for the role of laboratory guinea pig, if there was other options for her available. And if someone knew her true identity, she had every right to know about it.

Instead of returning to his quarters, Chakotay ended up on the other side of the station. And once the doors of the shuttle bay opened, he stepped in and headed towards Alpha Flyer, which had been in the shuttle bay for over a week now. Chakotay opened the hatch, closed it behind him once inside, and activated the main systems. When his communications systems finally came online as well, he tapped the person and location to the console and waited for response.

And suddenly The Doctor's face appeared on the small screen.

"Mr. Chakotay", Doctor said. "What a pleasant surprise."

"Doctor."

"I am glad to see you. We haven't heard from you quite awhile. How have you been?"

"I've been away", Chakotay said. "Doctor – I need to know something."

"What is it?"

"Has anyone asked you about the treatment you provided to Seven onboard Voyager?"

"Excuse me?"

"Has anyone contacted you recently to ask about how to treat former Borg drones?"

"I am… I don't understand why you are concerned about such a matter. Is Seven alright?"

"The last time I saw here she was", Chakotay told. "This is not about Seven, though."

"Then what is it?"

Chakotay stared the holographic man on the screen and sighed. A doubt crawled somewhere back in his mind.

"I am on the Starbase 712 now", Chakotay said then just to see how The Doctor would respond to it. And what he saw was an apparent attempt to act surprised. This was not the way The Doctor he had known for years would usually act.

"And?"

"I'm sure you, as a doctor, have read something about the medical work carried out here during the past year. "

"Some", Doctor admitted.

"The case of Hytan", Chakotay specified.

"Umm… yes."

"I have met Hytan myself", Chakotay told.

"Really? That is fascinating."

"Isn't it?"

"What is it that you want Mr. Chakotay?"

"Just to know how much you are aware of the situation here", Chakotay told.

"I know the case on a very general level", Doctor told. "It has been somewhat hot topic in the medical circles during the last year or so. But you were the last person I expected to take an interest in such a case."

"Oh, I am interested. Hytan has become somewhat a friend."

"Really?"

"And we have talked about her condition quite a lot actually", Chakotay told, exaggerating the facts a little. "Her recovery has been impressing to say the least."

"As I have understood, the doctors working on that station are doing everything for the patient in hand."

"So I have understood. But what I am interested to know now is if anyone has asked you about how Seven Of Nine was treated back in the Delta Quadrant."

"But… why?"

"Well, there are many similarities in Hytan's case with Seven's case."

"Are there?"

"Like the technology removed from her body", Chakotay hinted. "Hytan has complained about the strange sensations she still feels sometimes, even though the devices have been removed."

"Whatever discomforts the patient is experiencing, I'm sure the medical staff knows what they are doing."

"Hmm…" Chakotay said as he absorbed Doctor's words in. "But surely your work with Seven has guided their work a lot."

"Seven of Nine was a former Borg drone", Doctor said. "Is that what Hytan is?"

Chakotay knew The Doctor was most likely fishing, just as he has been.

"Hytan has just started to wear gloves similar with Seven's former suit", he told then. "So has anyone consulted you?"

"Not directly", Doctor said, but Chakotay couldn't help but notice how he looked away while saying that. "But all research carried out in Delta Quadrant is, of course, public information. My throughout reports are available to anyone within Starfleet."

"I thought there were few things classified as secrets by Starfleet Command. Was Seven's treatment one of those topics?"

"Her alcove was", Doctor told. "But you, as a former captain and first officer of Voyager should already know these things."

"Medical information was your domain", Chakotay said. "And since I am no longer a Starfleet officer, I cannot review the files myself."

"What is it that you want me to do?"

"Find out if someone has accessed your reports on Seven."

"Very well. I will get back to you."

After saying that, The Doctor terminated the subspace communications link. Chakotay sighed and leaned back on his chair. Something told him that he shouldn't expect hearing from The Doctor anytime soon again.


	6. Chapter 6

Chakotay emptied another bottle of Antarian cider. He was intoxicated. He knew he should have been above all this by now; hitting the bottle had never been his way. But this day wasn't like every other day. And here he was; drinking a little to forget quickly a lot. And why not? He had no obligations, no one to explain his actions for. He was what he had always been – a maverick who walked his own path away from rest of the crowd.

This had not been a good day for him. First he had awoken from a vivid dream where he had been with Kathryn. He had not had such dreams often, so having one now was opening an old wound when waking up. Then he had been summoned to the commander's office where he had learnt that doctors had made complaint about him and therefore he was banned from the infirmary for now on. He had been upset about that, but on some level it was also a relief for him. He had not been in the mood to face Hytan in the past couple of days, so getting in the infirmary had only given him a valid reason not to meet her. He did want to talk to her in next couple of days, but not today. He was in no mood of having any "larger than life" conversations with her. He just wanted to be left alone with his own thoughts.

On some level it was also a little disturbing how quickly Hytan had claimed her place in his life. Chakotay didn't know what to make of it. And he was still uncertain how much more he wanted to know about the veil of mystery around her. Hytan having nightmares about the Borg didn't have to mean anything significant, he had accepted it now. Everyone in Federation new about the Borg, so Hytan having nightmares about Borg drones proved only that she knew about them, nothing more.

This night was for him and him only. He didn't want to think about Hytan, the station, Schiaparelli cluster or anything in between. He wanted to relive his dream, his past hopes and fantasies, because he was tired of running away from them. He wanted to face them now.

Chakotay looked around. The holodeck program he had finally finalized was about to bring him the dream back. It didn't matter today that all he saw was photons and force fields; today he needed this more than ever. In his dream he had had Kathryn in his arms again and to wake up from such a dream was torture. Being alone without hope of ever getting the past back made love turn into pain, and he had had enough of that. Therefore, he was here on the holodeck 6 now, looking at the Delta Flyer, which had crashed on a nameless M-Class planet.

And there it was – a perfect holographic duplicate of Delta Flyer in the middle of the green forest. The surroundings were almost like on New Earth, but this fantasy took place years after those unique few months alone with Kathryn. And all that was missing in this fantasy land of his was his woman.

Chakotay hesitated. He had never thought he would end up this low. Those who dated on holodeck were usually the most socially inept individuals and he had never counted himself as one. But here he was – on holodeck and his woman was only one command away from him. But he wanted no one else but her. There was no one else for him but Kathryn. He needed her. He needed her physically, emotionally and spiritually. Claiming otherwise was self-deception. To admit that was liberating, but also sad. But he needed what he had briefly had with her on Proxima Station; her body against his, her touches and whispers while he was making love to her and the hope that there would be tomorrow for them. He wanted that hope back. He needed that and he didn't want to apologize for it or explain that need to anyone.

"Computer", he finally said. "Add character alpha."

Suddenly she appeared before his eyes. Chakotay felt like he had been kicked into the stomach. There she was and she seemed so real. Suddenly she was so much more than the picture he had been holding in his hands during the past months. Suddenly she was standing before his eyes again.

She turned around.

"Hi", she said.

He remembered that voice. He still had their subspace conversations stored in the Alpha Flyer's computer, but he had not watched them for a long time now. He hadn't wanted to – he had been avoiding the pain. So now that she with him again, almost in person, all the time he had spent trying to forget her seemed so futile.

"Kathryn…", Chakotay managed to whisper.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Other than…" Chakotay started, "… than us being stranded on this planet?"

"Voyager should be able to pick our emergency signal soon", she said as confident as ever.

"It's been almost a week already", Chakotay said as he played his part.

Kathryn approached her. "And what then?" she asked and looked him steadily with her blue eyes.

"What do you mean?" Chakotay asked.

"Us", she told. "You know that once we are back, I cannot allow this to continue."

"I know."

Kathryn placed her hands on his waist and pressed her body against his. Chakotay closed his eyes. He had missed her so much. And if this was all he could get, he would gladly settle for it and take it. Why had he waited so long to finalize this program?

"I love you Chakotay", she whispered.

"I love you too…"

"Make love to me…"

Chakotay sighed. He wanted that, more than anything. And this was Kathryn he was with; his Kathryn.

She started to kiss his neck, moving slowly and gently towards his lips. Once reaching them, she allured him to response. First gently, then more intensely, like encouraging and demanding him to take the claim to her. It didn't take long until Chakotay was aching with long-repressed lust, which was embodied by the hardness between his legs.

But as much as he wanted to believe this dream, something was off. He was constantly aware of her being just a technologically produced replica of the love of his life. Her physical parameters were identical with what she used to be in reality, but she wasn't Kathryn. She didn't kiss him the way she had nor did she taste like he remembered. He tried to ignore this, because this was all he could ever have with her. And it was almost real.

Almost.

And therefore it didn't work.

Chakotay broke the kiss, looked for a moment into her blue eyes and saw confusion. Take what you can get, he commanded himself in his mind, as he touched her auburn hair until feeling the softness of her cheek on his fingertips.

"Kathryn…" he whispered.

"I'm here" she said softly.

Yes she was, he knew that. But no matter how much he tried to look beyond the technology, he couldn't forget that she was in his arms only because of the hologrid and his own unfulfilled need to be with her. The woman in his embrace was not sentient. There were men who wouldn't have minded such a minor technicality, but he did. Because the illusion in his arms had to fill the place of Kathryn, and there were no technology invented in the universe that could ever do that.

"Computer, remove character alpha", Chakotay finally said.

And within a second she was gone.

Chakotay sighed as the emptiness took him over again. He picked a holographic rock from the ground and threw it to the holographic hull of Delta Flyer with an angry and frustrated roar.

It was all fake; artificial. With replicators, holodecks and spaceships he was able to get almost anything he wanted. But despite all the marvelous things in the world he could not ever get what he truly needed.

"Damn it!" he spat and sat down on the ground. "I shouldn't have done this…"

He sat there for a moment and the passion he had briefly felt with the holographic fantasy woman gradually melted away. And he was alone again, feeling more alone than in a long, long time. He had been right before – programming Kathryn on holodeck had been a mistake. Well, at least he didn't have to wonder now whether it was true or not. Now he knew for certain.

Suddenly he heard the holodeck doors opening, which surprised him. He thanked his lucky stars he had gotten rid of the holographic Kathryn moments before. He should have remembered to seal the door before starting the program, because what he had intended to do here needed no outside observation. Perhaps the cider had compromised his attentiveness and he had forgotten.

"Here you are", he heard her saying.

"Hytan", Chakotay said and turned his face away. He hadn't expected her and frankly, he was in no mood to be with her now. Not tonight.

"Why haven't you come to see me lately?" Hytan asked then without any pleasantries before cutting to the chase.

"I am not allowed to come to the infirmary anymore", Chakotay told.

"Why?" Hytan asked.

"They haven't told you?"

"No one has said anything."

"Hmm…"

"Why?" Hytan asked again.

"A few of the doctors and I don't really get along", Chakotay told.

"What happened?"

"We had a disagreement."

"About?"

"You", Chakotay said and turned his face to her again.

"What about me?"

"Do you know who you are Hytan?" Chakotay asked then.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you know who you are – who you were before being here on this station?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes…"

"But I think the doctors might know."

"What…?"

"Or they know something more than they are telling you", Chakotay added. "You should start asking more questions Hytan."

"Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"There are days when I am too tired to think, let alone starting to debate with the doctors."

"Understandable", Chakotay said.

"That issue aside – have you been avoiding me?" Hytan asked then. "Because I have a feeling that you have, and if that is the case, I would like to know why."

"Hytan", Chakotay sighed. "There are days when I am too tired having company."

"I see", Hytan said briefly. "And is this one of those days?"

"Actually it is", Chakotay told truthfully. "This is not a good time Hytan."

"Well, I will return to infirmary then", Hytan said briefly.

Chakotay sighed. He realized he must have hurt her feelings. He was able to hear it from her voice. "Hytan", he said then.

"It is alright", Hytan cut him off. "I am leaving. Perhaps we can talk later this week."

"Well let me at least walk you to turbolift."

"There is no need", Hytan told. "You obviously have something going on here and I was intruding. I apologize."

"I had something going on in here, but it is over now", Chakotay told. "And I should return to my quarters as well. It has been a tiring evening."

"Very well", Hytan said then.

"Computer – end program", Chakotay said then and the green landscape vanished revealing the cold hologrid around them.

Holodeck doors opened and the two of them stepped out. For a moment they walked on silence, but Chakotay felt like there was something in the air between them, waiting to be put in the words. And he was right.

"You have been avoiding my company", Hytan said then.

"Excuse me?"

"I believe that ever since I told you about that dream of mine, you have been avoiding me. Why?"

"Hytan…"

"You say that it is because of the doctors, but I must wonder."

Chakotay sighed.

"I would like to know the reason why", Hytan said then. "It just seems to me that there is a question you want to ask, but so far you have not done so. Perhaps it is that question what has kept you away."

"Look…"

"Is there such a question?"

"Yes there is", Chakotay suddenly confessed.

"Now is your chance to ask it", Hytan told.

"Very well", Chakotay said and kept his eyes on the turbolift doors in the end of the long corridor. "Has that dream happened to you?" he asked then.

"My nightmare?"

"Yes. Has it happened to you in reality? Is it a dream or a reflection of something from your memory?"

"It is a dream", Hytan told.

"Is it?"

"Yes", Hytan said. "Dreaming is not unusual."

"Is that what the doctors say?"

"Yes it is."

"So you have finally told them about this dream of yours?"

"To one of them", Hytan told. "And he said that having dreams and remembering them is a good sign; that my brain activity is normalizing."

"That's a relief", Chakotay said.

"Why are you asking this?" Hytan asked then.

"What if it wasn't a dream?" Chakotay asked then.

Hytan stopped in the middle of the corridor. "What are you saying?" she asked.

"What if it really happened?"

"It didn't."

"How can you be so sure? Do you remember what has happened to you before becoming conscious here on Starbase 712?"

"No. But it couldn't have happened."

"How can you be so sure?"

"What do you want me to say? To admit something I don't even know?"

"I want you to look within yourself and seek the truth. Don't you want to know what has happened to you?"

"Of course I do. But I cannot know about my past, if I cannot remember it."

"Try!" Chakotay said suddenly in a very demanding way.

"What…?" Hytan started, but she was unable to finish her question when the station suddenly jolted.

"_Yellow alert_", station commander's voice came via comm. "_Level 1 ion storm hit the station. Shields are up_."

Suddenly Chakotay felt the floor disappearing beneath his feet. For a second he thought the Antarian cider was doing tricks on him, until he realized the artificial gravity had failed. Then he heard frightened voice beneath Hytan's hood.

"It's alright", Chakotay said. "The artificial gravity is temporarily failed. Must be the ion storm. But the shields are up now and I'm sure the operations officer soon notices the problem. Come – let's grab on something before they get the gravity back. We don't want to drop on the floor."

"Alright…" Hytan whispered.

Chakotay took her hand, pulled her closer to him and pressed them against the bulkhead. He felt her shivering.

"Let's try to get closer to the floor", he whispered then.

Hytan didn't answer, but Chakotay was able to hear her breathing quickened. She was in distress.

"It's alright Hytan", he told.

"It's like my dream…" Hytan whispered.

"Well, this is not a dream and soon the artificial gravity will be back online again. Just hold on for a moment, alright?"

Hytan didn't answer. But her body kept shivering. Chakotay didn't know what to do. He wanted to put Hytan at ease, but didn't know how.

"Hytan?"

"We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own", Hytan whispered then.

"What the hell…? Hytan?"

"Resistance is futile…" Hytan whispered then.

"Hytan?" Chakotay asked and shook her shoulder gently. "Can you hear me Hytan?"

No answer.

"Hytan?"

Suddenly they dropped on the floor once artificial gravity returned to the deck.

"That's it then", Chakotay said once realized being back against the corridor floor. He looked Hytan who lay beside him. "Hytan?"

No answer.

"Hytan?" he asked again and touched her shoulder.

But she didn't move. Or breathe.

Chakotay's heart missed a beat. He quickly activated his combadge. "Infirmary!" he shouted. "Medical emergency on deck 5!"


	7. Chapter 7

Personal log, stardate 59824

_Station commander informed me today that the next Federation vessel is arriving in 30 hours. So this is it. I am finally able to leave. I am, however, having mixed feelings about it. I know I should go, and I most likely am, but part of me doesn't want to leave Hytan behind. I don't know why I am thinking like this; when she started to mean this much to me. But obviously she has. _

_Hytan is still in coma. She has been like that for a week now. I've been told that the doctors are able to give her regenerative treatments in longer sessions now in larger doses. During the last week they had managed to treat her in a month's amount of treatment instead of the week. So I guess the coma is a blessing for her. But it is difficult to see it as a blessing when there is no certainty that she ever wakes up._

_I haven't slept lately. And the less I sleep, more paranoid I get. I have begun to see shadows having shadows around here. Nothing significant has happened, but the wall of silence around Hytan makes me very suspicious. The Doctor has not yet contacted me and I don't expect him to. I am convinced he knows more of Hytan's case than he likes to admit. I don't know why he doesn't trust me enough to tell me what is going on, but I know he is not the only one. And I still know nothing. All I have are my instincts and my hunches, but I don't trust them either. Still I keep listening to them. _

_I guess my sleeplessness is a sign for me to get out of here. Hytan is unaware of everything, me included. And no matter who she has been, Hytan or someone else, I am still too deep in my own issues. I realize now that I wanted to see something in Hytan that simply wasn't there. I put too much importance to her nightmares about the Borg and my need to get Kathryn back blinded me. I just hope the day will come when I accept that she is what she is – not what I would want her to be. In the mean time, she will be in my thoughts. I guess Kathryn has company now. I wish her all the best_

_Perhaps it sounds cold and selfish, but I truly believe I need to get out of this place and forget Hytan. I can do nothing for her now. And maybe I can come back here someday. And if there comes a day when she remembers who she is, she will find me if she wants to. _

_That is if she would remember me._


	8. Chapter 8

Light.

Light and vague figures.

"_Hytan?_" voice asks.

Darkness.

* * *

Light.

Light and faint voices in the distance.

Vague round figure.

Awareness.

Memory of a person within.

Another voice. Many voices. Voices intertwining as one.

Memory of the collective.

Fear.

Heartbeats getting faster; their sound banging on ears.

Moving figure arriving and leaning over.

"_Hytan?_" voice asks.

"Yes", escapes a faint word from a sore throat.

"_Do you know where you are?"_

"In infirmary."

"_Good. Don't make sudden moves. It is aright. You are going to be alright_."

"Cha… cha…?"

"_Don't try to speak, Hytan. Everything is alright._"

Heavy sigh. Burning sensation on a chest.

"Cha… ch…"

"_Mr. Chakotay? He won't be bothering you anymore. Mr. Chakotay left this morning_. _He is gone now and you are going to be alright_."

Darkness behind the closed eyelids.

Voice of heart beats.

The voice within whispers: "_Of course he left. What is there left to love? A man like him wouldn't settle for damaged goods_."


	9. Chapter 9

Chakotay shut down his engines, leaned back and sighed. He was back on Dorvan V again. After getting new power transformer to Alpha Flyer, he had traveled back and forth Alpha Quadrant again, until finally deciding to get to Dorvan in order to visit her sister he had been with too little since his return from the Delta Quadrant. And closer he had gotten this planet, more he had started to rethink about his life. Maybe this time he would stay here. Maybe. This was his home after all; or the closest thing he had a home after Kathryn's death.

Chakotay looked the familiar view outside of the window. Behind the field before his eyes was his sister's house. It was good to be here, he decided. Though, once speaking briefly with the commander of Starbase 712 and learning that Hytan was no longer there had caused a little stir in his heart. But he was relieved to know that she had woken up. The station commander had told that it had happened on the very same day he had left the station, over three months ago. So Chaktoay had no idea where Hytan currently was, but he was happy for her. The worst thing that could have happened was that the doctors would have kept her on the station against her own will. Chakotay still believed that each of them had been more excited about what Hytan was giving them to their research than Hytan's own wishes. It was a relief to learn that they had given her the right to decide. Now Chakotay could only hope Hytan was safe and that she had a new life somewhere. Perhaps she had returned to Earth – that was the most logical option after all.

Chakotay stepped out from Alpha Flyer, slammed the main hatch closed and started walking. Sun was shining on a blue sky and as he walked across the field he looked around. It was peaceful and beautiful. He was almost able to feel his father's presence around him, and all those who had fallen with him. Here were his roots; the ones he had ignored for a long time. But this place was a part of him and he was old enough now to realize its worth. If only Kathryn would have been here to share this with him. He had always imagined that they would come here together someday. She had always been open to learn more about the ways of his tribe, and the two of them coming to Dorvan and staying here for awhile had never been totally impossible option for either of them.

"_I am open to suggestions_", he was able to hear her voice in his mind. She had been in his arms when saying that, on Proxima Station near Earth.

It took only few minutes to reach Sekaya's house. Once there Chakotay knocked the door. It was open and he stepped in.

"Chakotay!" Sekaya exclaimed with a wide smile on her face as she realized her brother had come. "Oh my… I didn't know you were coming! Welcome home. Where have you been?"

"Here and there", Chakotay said and took his sister into his embrace. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too", Sekaya said and kissed his cheek. "Are you staying?"

"For a while", Chakotay said.

Suddenly he noticed that her sister had not been alone. Another person sat on a couch as well, holding a cup of hot pejuta. The person was a woman.

"Oh, this is Beth", Sekaya introduced. "She moved to old Ms. Nateya's house a month ago."

"Oh?"

"Nateya passed away last winter", Sekaya told.

"Did she?"

"Well, she was 127 years old", Sekaya said. "It was her time."

Beth stood up and walked to them. She had a short blonde hair and blue eyes. Beth extended her hand and Chakotay took it. Her grip was firm.

"Nice to meet you", Beth told.

Chakotay nodded. He looked her eyes for a moment, wondering what in them had unexpectedly captured him, until realizing his silence was quickly becoming slightly awkward.

"How did you end up here at Dorvan V?" Chakotay asked then.

"I was looking a place to stay and be useful, so once I heard here is still a lot to do after Cardassians left, I thought this could be the perfect place to do some good."

Chakotay nodded.

"But you two must have a lot to talk about", Beth said then. "And I need to find a way to contact Earth. There is someone who is waiting to hear from me. Where can I contact Earth from here?"

"We have a subspace communications link in the town center, in our communal hall", Sekaya told.

"Town center is three kilometers away", Chakotay said. "My shuttle is across that field, about 300 meters away. You can use its comm. system."

"That would be wonderful", Beth said. "Thank you Mr. Chakotay."

Chakotay nodded.

As Beth left Chakotay turned to her sister. "What has happened to her?"

"You mean her face?" Sekaya asked.

Chakotay nodded.

"She was trapped in a burning house about a year ago", Sekaya told. "The doctors who treated her were not able to remove all the scar tissue. I guess she hasn't had the access to be treated by Federation doctors."

"Oh…"

"She is really nice person", Sekaya told. "I was very surprised that someone outside our tribe would want to move here, but we are happy to take all the help we can get."

"Extra pair of hands come useful here."

"Yours hands as well Chakotay."

"I know", he told with a smile. "I didn't come here to rest."

"Though there are some who do think that she shouldn't settle down here, because she is not one of our own", Sekaya said then.

"Really?"

"I guess some are still pretty paranoid about outsiders after Cardassians."

"And what do you think?"

"She is kind and very helpful. She likes her privacy, but whenever one asks her help, she is always there. I see no reason why she shouldn't be here."

Chakotay nodded. "Have anything to eat?" he asked then.

*** * ***

Beth sat down on a chair behind shuttle console. She activated the communication system and waited. Almost instantly a man's face appeared on the small screen.

"_Ah, Beth!_" a man said.

"Doctor."

"_How are you?_"

"I am well", Beth told. "You must be aware of the reason why I contact you."

"_Yes_", man said. "_The moment has come_."

"I want you to know that I am very grateful for your help. I couldn't have done this without you."

"_You do know that as long as you shall live, I will do anything in my power to help you in anyway I can_."

"I know and I am deeply grateful. But it is time now", Beth told.

"_Understood_", man replied. "_I am sending the program via this subspace link now. When we terminate this conversation, the program activates and all the personal information about Hytan Schiaparelli's travel records after her departure from Starbase 712 will vanish definitively from Federation systems_."

Beth nodded.

"_And your secret will always be safe with me._"

"I know", Beth said. "I am glad you were able to identify me, before even I knew who I was."

"_All I wanted was to protect you; to give you the chance to decide yourself what you would want to do when remembering everything. We were lucky no one else compared your DNA with the records I compared it with_."

Beth nodded.

"_Are you still certain this is really what you want?_" man asked then.

"Doctor", Beth told. "I have died already once – two times if you ask my family. I won't do this to them again. She must remain dead now, if I want to start over. And I do. There is only little waiting me there."

"_I understand_."

"Thank you Doctor, for everything."

"_You are most welcome… Admiral Janeway_", man with brown eyes and Starfleet uniform said.

Beth smiled and nodded. "Goodbye."

"_Goodbye. Jupiter Station out_."

Once the comm. link was terminated, the screen flashed quickly. Doctor's program was activated and soon all the traces of Hytan Schiaparelli's life after Starbase 712 would mysteriously disappear.

Beth sighed. Suddenly she noticed a piece of paper on the console. She took it in her hands and saw Chakotay with a woman, both of them smiling to holo-camera.

"I'm here honey", she whispered as she touched his face on the picture. "And if you found me within Hytan, you will find me again."


End file.
